2.24.2014

even if no one hears it

it feels so weird being back here to write a post. but i think this deserves to be documented. i just have to tell my story. even if no one hears it :( my letter to my partner's sisters: hi bf's sister no. 1, goldfish informed me that you are mad. maybe at me or with what i did. you have all the right to be so. and be hurt for your brother too. but i hope you'll hear my part as well. i am not a person who rants in public. goldfish knows about that. kung kaya kong magtiis gagawin ko. at ginagawa ko. we've had so many issues in the past na wala kayong narinig sa akin or kahit sino sa mga kaibigan ko. sinarili ko lang. when we were starting, he had strings of infidelity. people he met in public places like cr ng mga malls and kung saan-saan. when we were starting, he availed of a fly-all-you-can promo from pal and in the 5 places he went to, he had sex with different people. people he just met by accident. in the malls, resorts, crs. humingi sya ng tawad, pinatawad ko sya. after that he went to india and the us -- same thing happened. pinatawad ko uli. i even caught him in the act doing it with another person sa condo namin. we had a fight. nagkasakitan kami. but in the end we got back together. there was even this incident na nagpunta kami ng hk together but he had to stay a day longer kasi it was his stopover going to india, wala pang 1 hour na nakakaalis ako ng hk, he went to a park and hooked up with a stranger. anong nangyari sa huli? pinatawad ko uli. with each and every fight and reconciliation, i try to trust him and still love him. but yet again, i would do it again and again and again. i even for some instances, cry and beg him to stop it kasi nasasaktan na ko. he'd say sorry and promise to stop and yet he'll do it again. he would still hook up with strangers he'd meet in the gym and in other public places. everytime i'd confront him, sya pa ang galit. kasi yun ung defense mechanism nya kapag nahuhuli na sya. magagalit sya. sasabay sa galit ko. para mailigaw ung totoong issue. the last one? he met sa davao when he was there for work. he met the guy, yet again, sa cr. nakatinginan lang. dinala sa place na pinagstayan nya. nag-away kami at umuwi ako sa amin. sinundo nya ako and even said sorry to my parents pero hindi ako nakipagbalikan without a condition -- na magpapatingin sya sa psychiatrist sa sex addiction nya. he reluctantly obliged. we were ok. tahimik kami. but i believe you can't blame me if i get paranoid sometimes. i try my best to trust him. i just find it unfair for my part na nagagalit sya kapag i don't trust him completely. kasi para sa kanya, dapat immediately, buo agad yung trust. then again another incident happened. he started talking to another guy from our building and exchanged numbers with him. he then bought gym shirt/shorts from the guy kahit hindi naman sya naggygym. praning na kung praning but how can you explain these: 1. he bought those clothes kahit wala syang gym membership 2. gagawin daw nyang inspiration yung damit na binili nya to go back to the gym pero itinago nya talaga sa sulok ng cabinet, under the other clothes, where they'll be hard to find 3. he tells me the most mundane things happening in his life na pati ultimo commercial na pinapanood nya eh nakkwento nya sa akin sa text but ung pagkikita nila and pagbili ng damit eh "nakalimutan" nya 4. when finally pressed why didn't tell me, he used the excuse "wala kasi syang trabaho. gusto ko lang tumulong. di ba kapag tumulong ka dapat di mo na ipinagsasabi?" 5. when asked na kahit despite our agreement na hindi kakausap or kukuha ng number ng taong hindi naman dapat kuhanan ng number eh bakit kinuha pa rin nya, he just simply, as what he always does, get mad and defensive. prior to that incident, i had a breakdown in front of him. i'm having issues sa work and cried in front of him and asked him na sana this time, sya muna kukuhanan ko ng lakas. all i asked is wala na sanang maging problem between us. i hoped too hard, then i learned about the latest incident. sa lahat ng nangyari no one heard about them. lahat yun we fixed internally. madalas pa nga ako yung lumalabas na kontrabida sa ibang tao kasi they think na wala lang anong tiwala sa kanya, just because, kasi wala naman silang narinig na sinabi ko against goldfish. until now. pagod na rin kasi ako sa mga nangyayayari. paulit-ulit na lang. maybe partly because goldfish thinks he can always get away with it because no one else knows anyway. my post is not to tarnish goldfish's reputation. wala akong mapapala. di ko naman ikakayaman at problema lang din on my part. in the end, ang kasiraan nya ay kasiraan ko rin. kasi i still believe we're still partners. it's my cry for help. tulong sa akin kasi hindi ko na kaya and i'm on the verge of giving up. tulong para kay goldfish kasi he needs to realize what pain he causes to the people around him and to himself. kasi he keeps denying he got a problem with his compulsive lying. i'm still doing my best to not give up on him kasi i really love him. and i'd understand if you'd still be mad at me. i just want you to see what lies beneath that post. and by the way, the post isn't public. it was shared only between 11 people, including goldfish, you, bf's sister no. 2, some of our closest friends who know about us and my dad. kasi pagod na rin ako mag-explain for my sadness these days. thanks for hearing me out. ps. boyfriend is tagged as goldfish kasi, ayon sa mga cleaner namin sa condo, mukha raw syang goldfish sa laki ng tyan nyan. kalerks.

12.10.2010

the confirmation

1:40am. i just received a call from pudra. hindi ko alam kung paano niya natunugan na alam ko na yung tungkol kay stepsister pero yun agad ang bungad ng mga tanong niya. i told him the truth na alam ko nang may kapatid ako and that i sent stepsister a message on facebook. he kept on saying sorry. i told him he has nothing to worry kasi i feel for my stepsister and i'm happy for what's happening. then he asked me not to tell loreta about it. wala yata siyang plan to tell loreta. for me, partly i find it unfair for loreta pero naisip ko na rin na at this time eh mas okay nang huwag na muna niya malaman. kasi worrier ang nanay ko. sigurado akong iisipin niya yun araw-araw at ikasasama lang ng loob. baka ikaaga pa niya. i just really hope that things will turn out well for everyone.

bigla lang akong napaisip. ito siguro ang reason why bigla kong nasumpungang magsulat uli dito six days ago. hmmm...

ang buhay kong parang telenovela

i dunno what to feel sa nalaman ko just right now. i have a sister. i just read pudra's post on facebook a few minutes ago:

God knows how much i love the name [stepsister's name] derived from my inspirational sweetheart [stepsister's mom's name] before and [pudra's name].my life would be frui
tful if u will consider me as a great father when i'gone.


i got a hunch na siya yung nababanggit ni loreta dati na anak DAW ni pudra sa ibang babae pero never naman akong nagtanong ng details about her kasi feeling ko kahit si loreta eh walang alam na ibang detalye kasi parang nalaman lang rin niya yun as a tsismis. and ayoko lang din siya saktan but i got curious so i logged on facebook using my dad's account [yeah i know his username and password on facebook since ako ang gumawa ng profile niya] and there i saw their conversation:

[stepsister] December 8 at 5:18am Report
hello po...ako po si [stepsister's name], ask ko lang po kung taga [pudra's birthplace] po kayo?at me kilala po ba kayong [stepsister's mom]?

[pudra] December 8 at 2:24pm
oo,taga [pudra's birthplace] ako.ilan taon ka na [stepsister's name]?parang kilala ko ang [stepsister's mom].Siya ang mama mo?reply asap.
Sent via Facebook Mobile

[stepsister] December 8 at 8:25pm Report
opo...28 na po ako...si [stepsister's mom] po ang mama ko...nandito po ako sa canada ngayon..

[pudra] December 8 at 8:37pm
Iha,[stepsister's name] baka ikaw iyong matagal ko ng hinahanap na anak!!for almost 28 yrs i tried my best to find u but all in vain!i did lost hope that someday i could locate u anak!thru prayers w/ d help of our Lord Jesus Christ finally found you.send ur cellphone no
Sent via Facebook Mobile

[stepsister] December 8 at 8:42pm Report
opo yun nga po ang gusto ko sabihin kasi po nakalagay po sa birth certificate ko na [pudra's name] na taga [pudra's birthplace] po ang tatay ko...gusto ko lang po malaman if ano po itsura nyo and i had never intended po na manggulo...nahihiya naman po ako ke mama na magtanong, respeto ko po yun sknya...mula bata po ako di po ako nagtatanong tungkol po sa inyo at kung bakit di man lang po kayo bumibisita...

[pudra] December 8 at 8:44pm
Send me ur cell phone no or ur mamas no. if she has any.i want to talk to her.i missed her too.papa
Sent via Facebook Mobile

[stepsister] December 8 at 8:53pm Report
nandito po ako sa canada ngayon...work po ako ngayon next time na lang po cguro...di po alam ni mama na nakipagcommunicate ko at me ibang family na po sya...yung stepfather ko po ang nagpaaral sa akin, i'll try to fon her & tell her that i had emailed you so she won't be surprised..kau na lang po ang mgbigay ng cp # nyo so i can call u on my days off...thanks po

[pudra] December 8 at 9:14pm
Received ur message and thanks God i'm very very happy that finally i found.get in touch iha i want to embrace you ng mahigpit iha anak!i'm so sorry kung hindi man lang kitang nasubaybayan sa paglaki mo.nawala kayo sa Bauang La Union noong hinahanap ko kayo


i feel happy for my stepsister, especially upon reading her profile status:

of my 28 years of existence, now i've finally found the missing piece of me...

alam ko kasi yung feeling ng parang hindi ka kumpleto. yung parang a part of you is missing -- sa kanya si pudra and for me eh yung real parents ko. i'm not sure if i already mentioned it here na ampon ako. nagdaan ako sa part ng life ko na nagalit ako sa adoptive parents ko [loreta and pudra] sa hindi ko malamang dahilan. nag-rebelde talaga ako noon. minumura ko sila and wini-wish na mamatay na. as if kasalanan pa nilang ampunin ako at palakihin ng maayos. siguro hindi ko lang alam kung paano at saan ko icha-channel yung galit ko. kasi may mga tanong ako sa isip ko na hindi masagot. kasi hindi ako makapagtanong. kasi partly natatakot akong masaktan ko sila kapag ipinakita ko sa kanilang interested akong malaman kung sino ba ang totoong mga magulang ko. kasi baka isipin nila hindi sapat yung mga ginawa nila for me.

gusto ko mang umiyak sa tuwa for my stepsister na finally eh nahanap na niya yung missing piece ng buhay niya eh i don't feel anything more but be happy for her. to tell you honestly, i don't find a connection sa kanya, yung bang magkaroon ako ng desire na makita siya. siguro kasi nasanay na akong mag-isa. actually medyo napintasan ko pa nga siya and her daughter kasi i was hoping na ka-level ko ang itsura ng stepsister ko harharhar pero malakas ang dugo si pudra kasi kamukha si stepsister ng mga anak ng mga tito't tita ko from my father's side. in short, not so petty :P

but i still decided to send her a message:

Hi [stepsister's name],

I read my dad's wall posts with you and I'm happy that you finally met him :) I've heard of your name mentioned by my mom a couple of times na nabalitaan nga nyang may anak na iba si Papa and [stepsister's name] ang name pero she knew nothing about you but your name. I'm just happy to put a face on that name and that you finally got to meet Papa :) I just hope na wala kang kinikimkim na sama ng loob sa Papa natin and that you'll spend the coming days to know him more kasi sobrang bait nya. I dunno why those things happened in the past but I hope we can all move on and focus on the present and the future. Hoping to know you more.

Your brother (if you'll let me be),
technobluprint


hindi ko lang alam kung paano ko sasabihin kay loreta yung nalaman ko o kung hahayaan ko na bang si pudra ang magsabi sa kanya. i hope she'll take it positively. haaaay...

12.04.2010

sad days are here again

i visited you again. this just means one thing -- i'm feeling a little bit sad today. maybe because parang iniaasa ko na naman ang magiging takbo ng araw ko from someone :s

i met brylle about two months ago at o bar ortigas. cute. he got a killer smile. pinakuha ko lang yung number niya from niƱo kasi torpe ako sa mga cute guys. we texted a little


tang ina. nag-eemo na naman ako buong araw. maybe tinamaan lang ako sobra kay brylle. sweet kasi. and he's so like my type. cute with killer smile and may sense kausap. but i gotta put things into perspective. he's not into me as much as I am to him. so i gotta make myself realize that and get through this day as i normally would -- alone. sanay na akong lumabas mag-isa, manood ng movie mag-isa, kumain mag-isa since lumaki naman akong only child so ano ba ang dapat kong ipag-inarte? well, maybe gusto ko lang maramdaman uli ung gumigising ako na may messages sa cellphone ko from someone i love saying he/she misses me or how much he/she loves me. yung message na para sa akin lang and not mass-sent. bakit at this time and age na sobrang madaling makakilala ng ibang tao dahil na rin sa facebook eh parang ang ilap naman ng chance ko na maging intimate with someone? i don't think naman na my standards and preferences are high. why?!?!?! sakit sa ulo. tangnashet.

11.29.2010

Lelang

I just woke up from a dream with tears in my eyes. I dreamed about Lelang, my grandmother who passed away several years ago. We were in a room and she was lying down curled up on a futon just next to the door. There's a bed just next to her so I asked her why she's on a futon when she can go up to the bed where it's more comfortable and so that she won't get hit when someone opens the door. She said that she's ok to be lying down on the futon so I just pulled it away from the door while she's on it. Then we had this conversation:

"Sino kaya mag-aalaga sa akin pagtagal-tagal?"

"Ano ka ba Lelang? Kami po."

Then I said again, "I miss you so much." I remember this part vividly. I hugged her and looked to her eyes and kissed her on the cheeks just like what I always did when I see her. She looked straight to me and said, "I'm so proud of you."

Then I woke up teary-eyed. I wanna go back to sleep hoping that my dream will continue where it stopped but something tells me I shouldn't. My dream was so vivid I can even smell her in my dream.

I miss you Lelang! I miss all of our small adventures when I was a kid and how you spoiled me in your own little way. You will be forever with me. I love you.